Hello friends, thanks for joining me. It has been quite an effort getting this post out. Lots of things happening in our busy household which has pushed back blogging time, but I am here at last and have quite a story to tell.
Twenty years ago this month our little boy went to Heaven. I always dread June. There are three anniversaries to deal with. His birthday on the 7th, the 18th when he left us and the day he was buried on the 21st. Our baby was alive for eleven days, so basically the whole month feels revolting. I won’t go over the details of his death, but you can read his story here in this post I wrote last year.
It’s hard to think of my little baby being twenty. Everything about him is so abstract and intangible. We had no time to get to know our son, have very few memories, and those we do have are painful. As difficult as it is losing a baby, I often think how much harder it would be to lose an older or adult child, with whom you have built a life. Although at the end of the day all loss is loss, a life not lived, a life cut short and nothing left but a broken hearted mama with a lot of unanswered questions.
Grief changes a lot over the years. Even in the last twelve months I noticed a shift in the intensity of the heartache. I think this was the first year that I didn’t completely fall apart. I did, however shed a few tears when I least expected it. I was proud of myself for tracking fairly well until one night I was watching a movie with the kids and suddenly felt a familiar sadness creep up out of nowhere. Grief for my dear sweet son hit me with no provocation. Grief will do that. I’ve learnt by now that it will burst through your heart when you think it is safely tucked away.
By now I am far enough away from the initial pain of loss to be able to sit in peace knowing that I have a son in Heaven waiting for me. He is safe, away from all harm and nothing will ever hurt him. He is mine and I will spend all eternity with my baby. I have much to look forward to and I am grateful. I am grateful he exists and everything I have missed out on with him here will be given back to me in the fullness of time.
I think a lot about Keith and Melody Green. You may have heard of Keith Green, a famous Christian singer back in the 80’s who tragically lost his life in his twenties, along with two of his children, when a light aircraft crashed. His wife was pregnant with their fourth child when they died. I follow Melody on social media and she is very active in keeping Keith’s memory alive. He was an extraordinarily gifted musician, full of zealous love for the Lord and the broken. I have one of his records and still get teary when I listen to him.
Recently Melody shared that her loved ones had been in Heaven for forty years next month. That struck me as such a long time, until I realised that my own dear boy had been in Heaven with Keith and his children for half of that time. I wonder if Noah plays with Josiah and Bethany, or listens to Keith play the piano singing songs to Jesus. Imagine that!I can’t help but smile when I think of all that goes on in Paradise where there is nothing but beauty, peace, creation perfected and Jesus.
After twenty years, living with loss is essentially a waiting game. While I have this treasure in Heaven, my earthly life is still full of living jewels who need my love and devotion. They are the ones I can touch now, hug (if they let me!) and cherish. I understand how Melody Green can be at peace and live a full life in the here and now while she waits for the day she reunites with her precious ones. While grief is deeply complex, we do not grieve as those who have no hope, and that makes all the difference.
Next week I will share my new Spiced Pumpkin Latte cupcake recipe. I baked a trial batch this week, and although I’ve never actually had the latte, boy the cupcake version was delicious! Ahh perfect wintery bliss.
Thanks again for hanging out with me for a few minutes. I am so grateful to all of you who take the time to read my ramblings. Whatever you are doing this glorious Winter morning, make sure to stop, breathe deeply and inhale the gift of being alive.
Until next week,
Love Anna xx